One of our 10 year-olds discovered a new favorite food: spinach. Yes, that green leafy vegetable that is so often portrayed as something most kids hate (which I actually don’t buy into, by the way). He tasted mine at a restaurant recently and although he’s liked it before, it’s like a light went on this time. So I made it at home and, although he’s never shown any interest in cooking before, the next day he wanted to make it himself. I taught him how to grill it with garlic, lemon, oil and, in my opinion, the secret ingredient…a little butter. This morning before school he wanted to make it for himself to take to school for part of his lunch! He even had some for breakfast, too.
So where am I going with all this? It’s a good example of nature vs. nuture. For people who are not parents, there seems to be a common misconception that any bad behavior on the part of a kid is the parent’s fault. This swings the other way too: it’s easy to give parents too much credit when their child does well.
My little spinach-lover has always loved greens and vegetables. One of his siblings will only eat from a very slim palette of vegetables they like, and the third sibling likes a decent amount of vegetables but nothing like their leafy vegetables-loving brother. All three kids have the same two parents and live in the same house. All three eat the same family meals. What accounts for the differences in taste? It must be, as they say, nature. In other words, they are born that way, with different personality traits, physiologies, and preferences.
Why do we often see only one kid, out of 4 or 5 in the same family, act out and get in a trouble all the time, but their siblings fit right into society easily and gracefully? There are so many factors that go into answering that question (including family dynamics, of course), but there’s one thing I’ve come to believe that I didn’t believe when I was younger, and that is that nuture plays a much bigger role than I ever thought it did. And I mean a MUCH bigger role.
Nuture (environment) is crucial, but not the whole picture. Did I teach my son to develop a passion for spinach? No. How many times have parents tried to teach kids to like certain foods over time without success? I supported my son with his new love of spinach by buying it and teaching him how to make it, but the fact that he loves the flavor and wanted to eat it for breakfast and lunch has nothing to do with me. That’s nature’s doing.
My bigger point here is not to brag about my son’s healthy passion for spinach (although I admit that’s not beneath me), it’s to urge people not to judge parents, or make assumptions about them, so quickly based on their kids’ behaviors. This applies to parents as well as non-parents. In fact, it might even apply MORE to parents since we know, firsthand, all the many elements that go into parenting and how many of them are not in our control. I’m not trying to minimize our role. I’m just pointing out that when we make quick assumptions about others based on their kids’ behavior, there is simply no way we can see the whole picture. Only when we see the whole picture can we truly understand why things are the way they are, and more clearly see the parent’s role, if any. (Incidentally, this applies to politics as well).
So people, let’s just stop judging each other and instead try to figure out if there’s a way we can help. The world would be a better place if we all supported each other by default instead of judged each other by default. I know this post is ending on a saccharin-sweet, idealistic, and preachy note…but am I wrong? I don’t think so.
The Way I See It 