Menopause Revisited: The Power of the Aging Vagina

Several years ago I was talking with a group of mom friends and the topic of vaginal rejuvenation surgery came up (you know, like it always does). None of us knew exactly what it was. My guess is most people don’t know exactly what it is until they or someone they know wants it. Anyway, one mom offered that she thought it’s a surgery for women who’ve had several babies, or perhaps one extremely large one, who now have a stretched out vagina that’s sorely in need of a facelift (or lip work, if you will). Turns out vaginal rejuvenation surgery is a general term covering various types of vaginal surgeries, most due to age-related issues but also “cosmetic” ones (How your vagina looks? That’s a whole other essay there–don’t get me started).

There’s nothing inherently funny about vaginal rejuvenation surgery itself, or the need for it. But the name. The name. Now we’re talking.

Let’s start with “rejuvenation.” It sounds spa-like, so urban Zen. Who besides a marketing professional would ever think to place the word “rejuvenation” next door to “surgery”? The word “rejuvenation” appears to be used in an obvious attempt to cancel out all images of a surgical knife or laser tools hovering near or in one’s crotch. It’s a good college try, but I think most women are too savvy to be marketing-manipulated about the most private parts of their bodies. As a result, the overall effect of the name is more likely to produce chuckles, scoffs, and eye rolls than anything else.

All that said, if you’re committed to this marketing goal of softening the idea of vagina-based surgery and laser techniques through words, “rejuvenation” is a fine choice. It has a non-specific, far reaching feel to it, which makes the vaginal procedure sound like an all-around enhancement for any woman who’s feeling a little depleted and run down, crotch-wise or otherwise. Just hop into the office–walk-ins welcome–for a bit o’ vaggie surgery and you’ll feel like yourself again in no time!

I can just see a mom of four telling her mom friend, on a toddler play date while pushing strollers side by side and blocking the pathway from others, “You know, lately my vagina’s been feeling really burnt out and overwhelmed. Like it’s been carrying the weight of the world on its mounds.” She pauses thoughtfully, perhaps biting her lip 50 Shades of Grey style. “I think what my vagina needs right now is to find balance again, to rejuvenate. Let its hair down, so to speak.”

She turns toward her friend to make earnest eye contact. “Do you know of any vaginal spas or treatment centers that can help my vajayjay restore that spring in her step?” she asks with a hopeful, pleading gaze. The second mom answers.

“What’s that?” says the first mom, eyes sparkling eagerly. “Vaginal rejuvenation surgery, you say? Sounds like just what I’ve been looking for! I’m booking an appointment today!”

Gynos Should Know Better

The topic of overexerted and aging vaginas reminds me of a visit I had with my gynecologist around the same time in my life. While my doctor and I were discussing perimenopausal symptoms, she graciously offered up the information that after menopause the vagina starts “shrinking” and gets “harder.” (Her words. Yes–her). To needlessly elaborate, she actually used the adjective “pipelike.” Aging women are now being compared to plumbing! Rather appalling if you ask me, but I assume my doctor, a western M.D., would simply say I shouldn’t take the analogy so literally. But I really don’t want to be envisioning my menopausal body underneath and attached to a sink. Metaphors can have a lot of power. I mean isn’t there a better way to phrase the physiological aspects of post menopause to a woman who’s already worried that her not-so-far-off future will suddenly include excessive wrinkles, thinning hair, diminished sex drive, and gaining weight around the middle?

The concept of a shrinking vagina also brings up quite a few questions. Will our vaginas really feel like metal after menopause? Will we need an anti-rust vaginal cleanser for our postmenopausal lives? Instead of calling it a vagina will we be calling it a vaginette or vaginita? Is the crotch in the underwear designed for postmenopausal women smaller than that for younger women?

Fortunately, my little heart-to-heart with my now ex-gynecologist wasn’t all bad news. There was one shining light that arose from this enlightening doctor-patient, girlfriend-to-girlfriend-like banter: The “shrinking” part. It’s a real gem. Pure gold. Allow me to explain.

It’s always been my impression that men are supposedly not sexually attracted to postmenopausal women because we lose all that estrogen that used to make us physically vibrant and sexually irresistible. Now please correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t a shrinking vagina be an asset in terms of attracting and maintaining men, both figuratively and literally? Isn’t a physically steadfast vagina what most men dream of? What could be more perfect for men than a sexually experienced woman with a vagina as tight as, or even tighter than, a virgin’s? Perhaps this shrinking aspect is a powerful secret weapon that menopausal women have at the ready but don’t even know they possess.

What a freeing thought, no? I say we frame things more positively. Make the postmenopausal vagina a superhero. Introducing…

The Incredibly Tiny Shrinking Vaginy!

She’s an inspiration for menopausal women around the world! She may not be attached to an ultra-hot 20-something girl, but with her rapidly shrinking hole, Incredibly Tiny Shrinking Vaginy is a virtual man magnet! Don’t be fooled by her blank look and all that hair covering her face–she’s not as passive as she first appears. Once she lures a man into her vulvar web, she can squeeze him into complete submission! Not even Superman and Spiderman stand a chance of escaping once entangled within her feminine wiles!

Joking aside, I know menopause is probably never going to be something women look forward to. But I do believe there are positives that emerge from every loss (and yes, menopause is a big loss, the loss of physical youth, for one). But sadly there are really no advertised upsides to menopause, at least in Western society. We still, for the most part, particularly in the United States, view aging almost entirely negatively. Some people even refer to menopause as “the change,” as if the process is so embarrassing that we need a euphemism to mention it. (Or maybe we’re just embarrassed to admit that it’s the 21^st century and the name for this exclusively female hormonal transition still has the word “men” in it? I know, an old joke. But true.)

Socially Renovating Menopause

So what would a more positive perspective toward menopause look like? I’m not just referring to the “Yay, I don’t have my period anymore!” aspect. I think the shift has to occur in western society’s views toward aging in general, particularly toward aging women. If we want this kind of change, we need to first stop basing so much of a woman’s worth on the appearance of her physical body. It also wouldn’t hurt to take the “men” out of “menopause” and create a better name for it. (Ideas, anyone?)

A healthier, more empowering way to view menopause would simply be to see it as a change and transition rather than as a loss or decline. After all, everything in life has a beginning and end. Our culture needs to to somehow become more comfortable with the end part, which is death. Once our culture gets better at accepting the inevitability of death, the acceptance of all stages of aging would, ideally, naturally follow.  I’m not  saying this is going to happen any time soon, but  it seems like our best hope.  

We can also begin making some changes on an individual level too. For starters, doctors could choose their words and metaphors more carefully when describing the postmenopausal woman’s “plumbing” to their patients. I mean if we can market vaginal rejuvenation surgery with a positive spin, why can’t we do the same for menopause?